HELP ME! MY GIRLFRIEND IS A FANFIC ADDICT

Written by aDurian


Dear You,

To be honest, I don’t know who you are and you guys must have no idea about me too. But if you decided to click on this and are willing to read my letter, I guess you must have one or two resemblances with my girlfriend. The fact is she is a girl, just like you, and she reads fanfics, just like you. So I truly hope that you could drop me some clue saving her from this addiction.

Let me begin with some descriptions about my girlfriend, hence you could have an overall imagination about how she looks like and about her personality. Okay, to begin with, my girlfriend is 5 feet 4, and her weight is around 48 to 53 kilos. The first impression you will get when seeing her is the beautifully long black hair. Besides, she’s also got big round eyes, a little bit too big nose and pinky lips. Those make her cuteness, and make me fall in love with her. If I were just any normal guy who passed by her on the street, she would be ranked around average or slightly above average. But never mind, when a guy falls in love with a girl, believe it or not, even Jessica Alba means nothing to him.

At first, when this fanfic section hadn’t got into her life, we were a happy couple. In class, I sit 2 tables away from her, happily enjoyed her smiles every time she noticed my look. After school, instead of joining a bicycle racing with my buddies, I got off and accompanied her home. At nights, after finishing our homework, we both got online and exchanged messages like mad on MSN. Adding up to it, during weekends, our parents were so eager to let us go out to some amusement parks and have fun together. Now, thinking back about those happy times, I could not help but sigh sadly. Since fanfics came into her life, they have totally ruined my lovely moments.

The first thing that changes is how she judges boys, or to be more specific, her ideal boyfriend’s image. What the heck! Why she has to change it so often when she herself already has one? Like last week, she whispered into my ears and asked me to fight with some gangs, just because that would make me cooler. Say what? Being born as a gentleman as I am, how come I could go out and pick a fight with some strange guy on the street? 2 days ago, she texted me and asked me to design a dress specially for her, cos the “Bumface” in “The Bum who fell into a Pothole” was a designer, who made clothes for his sweetheart. While I was so hesitating about her request, then today her email popped out of nowhere, asking me to play street ping pong for her. Oh sick! As wonderful and perfect as we guys are, please do remember that not all of us are made of multi-tasked materials. So don’t expect to find a guy who could do break-dancing and cooking at the same time okay?

But hold on, am I that average for a boy? Okay, no buttering up myself here, but actually, I doubt if I am that bad under girls’ eyes. 5 feet 8 and a size 8, when comparing to all the charismatic gasoos on the stage, I could not be judged as a dork. No glasses and no buffy muscles, I even got some packs in my abs too (wait here, I am counting, 1,2,3,4,5…). Okay, I am a 5 pack boy. Not a fighter but not a nerd. A school basketball player and a drummer. Why she keeps asking so much in me?

How could she believe that every conflict between guys would only be set up by fighting? No, if you think so, you are so wrong. Fighting is for gangs. We do fight, but only after failing to sit down and manage a man-to-man talk to our rivals. In addition, take it or not, but guys do actually hate fighting in front of their beloved ones, feeling afraid they would be scared of the violent side of him. Or, what if we got beaten up badly, can you guys ensure we would not be enlisted immediately as “cutie weakie creatures” like your kitten or puppy?

Secondly, fanfics really make my life pathetic. Once in our dates, she dragged me into a Starbuck’s store and ordered 2 plain black coffees. Without letting me uttering any opposition to this sudden change in her tastes, she sweetly gripped my arm and said :

“I just read “Conversation between us” last night, and there was a very romantic scene when the couple drank black coffee together. I want to feel the scent too. Please, please!”

Truthfully, guys are made to be broken by girls. So don’t ask me why I could not help but nod my head seeing her puppy eyes, though I was fully aware of my allergy to black coffee. In the end, I ended up puking non stop for the 2 next days at home and got a double fast heart beat until 1 week later. Just to have a “Conversation between us”.

That’s not to mention, that fic could not stop torturing my heart several times more. One midnight, while I was cuddling up under the blanket, she called me in tears and asked me to come over. As a boyfriend of a strong girl, it would take me years to have her sob on my shoulders once. Hence, I packed up and rushed to her place even though it was 6 degrees outside. Guess what? When I showed up at her door, had her in my arms, she could not help but hiccup:

“He died. Jaewon has died. She let him die at the end… How could he die? I love him. I love him so much!”

Trust me, even God would jump off heaven hearing his wife saying such things. With full bitterness in my heart, I hugged her tightly and ensured her that the author would relive him soon. In fact, to tell you the truth, I don’t care if she made this Jaewon guy to be Superman or so, I would love to beat him up to the last breath at that moment. The reason why? Hmm. Don’t ask!

Thirdly, fanfics sometimes work like PMS for girls. Examples? Here! Anybody here heard about “Kissing affair” yet? Okay, cool! Days after our final exams, I logged on to MSN and found she was online at the time. Happily, I dropped her a message, inviting her out for a date the next Saturday. This is how it went.

Me : Hey sweetie, wanna go out this Sat?

Me : dear, r u there?

BUZZ!

BUZZ!

Me : You are not there hun?

BUZZ!

Me : Speak up please, I gtg soon!

Her : #@!%$%$^&%&%^*^&& STOP ANNOYING ME!

Me : (huh? Something wrong with her??? PMS?)

Her : I was on the middle of reading the 16th chapter of "Kissing affair" and they were gonna KISS!!! Then you bumped in and buzzed non stop! My PC is stuck! NOW!!!!

Her : You pissed me off! PISSED ME OFF! I’ve waited for 15 chaps and you ruined it!!!!!! COMPLETELY!


See, for a kiss between TOP and some strange girl, she would rather leave me alone. What about our kissing scenes? Why was she so sure that player-face guy (sorry, girls) could kiss much better than me? Has she been kissed by him yet?

Dang it!

Fourthly, the fact is, the more she gets hooked up with romantic stuff in fanfics, the harder I struggle in our dates. Now, our lovely hanging outs seem to be a romantic debate contest for me. 3 days ago, I took her out to an amusement park, our number 1 dating site. As I was in a freaking good mood on that day, that would be nice if I poured something sweet into her ears right? Because, this is not an excuse, but every time we guys want to express our feelings to our girlfriends, we all blush slightly. And yah, the atmosphere always turns out to be slightly awkward later on. So, never mind, after buying 2 tickets for the roller coaster, I ushered her through to crowd, taking her to a double seat.

“Are you scared?” – I asked when the train was creeping slowly to the top.

“Yes, I am!” – she replied with an excited smile.

Leaning my face close to her head, I planted a peck on her forehead and said:

“I’m right here so don’t be afraid!”


* scratching head*

Maybe you will think that is not romantic, but actually, that’s the best I can do. But as a nightmare, I lost to a guy called “Bumface”.


After the ride,

“Did you shout out something?” – she stopped me and asked.

“No, I just screamed out for fun. Nah, your boyfriend is not that kiddie to call his Mama on a roller coaster ride!” – I giggled.

“No, that’s not what I meant. You surely didn’t say anything?”

“Yeah, what for?” – My eyebrows rose up in surprise.

“Yeah, what for? But you really should have…” – With that, she left.

Do you get a clue about her actions? I didn’t. Not until several days later, her best friend, who is also a fanfic addict, passed me the link to a story about a “Bumface” guy. Then, I realized what I did WRONG. The Bumface guy threw away his entire ego and said “I love you” on the ride. And the ME kept it for myself and did nothing but screamed as any normal human beings would do. Does that make sense to you now?

As the Jaewon guy in CBU said “I am having a heart attack”, the guys in fanfics really give me severe halts in my heartbeat too. Recently, she keeps letting her mind wandering during lessons and staring out the window while smiling mysteriously. The last time I saw her acting that weird was after our first kiss. Could it be, could it be she has fallen in love with someone else? No, actually, she was revisiting all the cute scenes the authors set up in their stories. Yeah, true!

Fifthly, give me a reason why all the kissing scenes in fanfics must be an out-of-no-where kiss? I mean, the guy just grabs the girl’s hand, pulling her into his embrace and their lips are sealed. Oh come on, sudden kissing is an ART. It requires perfect timing and perfect estimation of movement. Oh my gosh, why don’t girls realize it would be so much possible to us to place our lips wrongly, somewhere on your nose instead of your lips doing that? Moreover, despite our status as porn addicts, we do respect our girlfriends. That means when she is not ready for it, or when she feels uncomfortable for a kiss, we would not make a move. Therefore, when we want to have a K, except from reading your gestures, there is nothing better than asking you straight out. My girlfriend called my asking so lame. Yah! No idea!

Seriously, I know you guys may think about me like an overreacting guy, who could not stand a little hobby of my sweetie. But after last night incident, I could not help but writing this letter, asking for you guys’ help. The fact is, my girl always stays up really late, usually as late as she can. Hence, it is my job to stay up with her and persuade her to go to bed early. She used to be very obedient, cos it gave her the guilty feeling making me wait for her. Too bad, my role is becoming more useless now. After promising me to go to bed straight away (it was 1 at the time), she logged out of MSN, brought her laptop to her bed and lay there reading some fanfics. Tell me, is that worth pissing off for? Thanks to her mom that I know she did not get enough sleep recently by lying and cheating on me like that. My anger rose to its peak and there you go, you got this letter to read.

Okay, I think I would stop for now. I have been talking for ages. So sorry but I could not suppress my feelings any more. As a proper boyfriend, I don’t demand much but a proper girlfriend, who would be willing to go out with me on weekends rather than staying in her room reading affairs of some strangers.

To my dear girlfriend, if you come here and read this, I just want you to know, every time you try out a new fanfic and tell me about that, I always secretly look for it and do some reading too. Cos I really want to know why kind of guys could move your heart and make you smile, laugh and cry so much. Yet, the more I read, the more I feel so hard to reach their levels. Could you accept me the way I am, instead of the way they are? I could not give you either a seductive kiss or promise you a heroic image fighting against other guys, but I’ll be here, always, just so you know!


From a desperate boyfriend,

(signed)


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A/N : The names and events of FFs mentioned in here is for illustrating only. This is not any form of plagiarism or intruding copy rights. Hope you guys have a great time!